The Gremlin of Caffeine

So You Just Drank Too Much Coffee

Your heart beats rapidly against your chest, your breath comes quick and shallow. You can’t stop shaking and your mind is a chaotic mess of madness.

No, you are not going to die. Probably. If you do think you are going to die, please consult my previous guide* for prompt and useful help.

In actuality, you have just imbibed too much caffeinated liquid (and oh, how delicious a liquid it is) and are now experiencing a caffeine high. It’s a tough hurdle to pass, but it is manageable, and it can be done in 5 simple steps:

I love you, but also I hate you.

*If you are actually going to die, please do not consult my previous guide. It is really, really not going to help.

1. Attempt to words properly in order to think good better.

No. It can’t be done. It just can’t. There are so many thoughts and they’re swirling and OH WOW, IS THAT A BUTTERFLY? No, that is most assuredly not a butterfly, that is a sock. That is a sock on the floor in the middle of the room and you can’t get over how there it is. It’s just so existing you can’t even…

What?

You must have just lost your train of thought. Anyway, it’s kind of hard to think in this condition, because all you see is white noise and all you hear is an out-of-focus blur and, wait, you think you may have just gotten those confused. You think you may be able to smell colours, but you are rather hesitant to try it. Your sentence making faculties are probably irreparably damaged, and you must now compensate for them with looks of abject horror directed at all passers-by. Once you have frightened away any errant bystanders, you may now proceed to…

2. Stop it. Stop shaking.

You fail to resist the urge to stop shaking. It’s not really an urge so much as a compulsion, or something you have to do until it runs itself out. Nothing is okay, nor will it ever be okay again.

The world is your abyss, and it is yours alone to suffer.

You are ruined, and it is by the hand of this terrible, horrible demon elixir.

Anyway, because your pathetic, weak-willed facsimile of a soul cannot garner the necessary strength to just stop shaking already, you can now…

I’m kidding. I still love you. Please don’t be mad at me.

3. Lie on the floor until it stops.

You don’t really want to. The floor looks kind of dirty. You don’t think you’ve vacuumed it for a while. A long while. You think you’re just going to sit here instead.

What? You have to do it? Alright, if you insist. It smells kind of like Doritos, but you guess that’s all part of the healing process, right? God, you hope it’s part of the healing process.

Wait! You can feel it starting to work. Yeah, you can feel the wellness coursing through your veins like a hot, burning fire of–nope, no, that’s just the caffeine again.

Despite this step being completely ineffective at stopping the continuous spasms that wrack your body, this newfound energy can help you achieve your next goal, which is to…

4. Clean the world.

Pictured: You, right now.

Might as well put all that energy to work! You can do anything! You can do everything! The world is your oyster, and you are the walrus ready to descend upon it, feasting on its delicious, oystery flesh (that’s what walruses do, right? Yeah.). You are going to be so productive that you will become the god of productivity itself. You seriously cannot wait to get all of these things done. The only thing left to do before doing everything else is to simply pause for a moment and just hope you don’t…

5. Crash

Oh. Oh my god. You can’t believe you did it. You did everything. You did all of the things. You can’t believe how many of the things you did, but you are sure it was just so many of the things, and now you are done. Everything.

In reality, your “doing all of the things” is closer to “doing none of the things”, and really you haven’t moved from your not-so-comfortable spot on the rug. It’s so difficult to move that you just can’t be bothered to do it anymore. You wonder if breathing is really as non-optional as they say it is, because you think your lungs could really use a rest (breathing is entirely as non-optional as they say it is). You think you may have pulled something in your state of extreme laziness. Hyperactivity meets apathy does not an attractive combination make.

You also don’t remember what day it is.

In conclusion, caffeine is a monster and every single instance of its use will probably end the same way. It can’t be helped. It’s an insatiable, unstoppable gremlin of suffering, and you are but a cog in the wheel of its unknowable master plan. All that’s left do is wait. Wait and pray for release and know deep in your heart that there will always, always be a next time. Forever.

So congratulations! You have now leajifglk.,…………………………….

………………….>>

Oops. You think you might have just dozed off there for a minute. Regardless, you have now learned how to control your caffeine state for the better, (maybe*)!

And still you tempt me. Why?

*Not maybe. Not maybe at all. God help you and your tarnished soul.