Minecrafting Madness

The Worst Decision Ever

It’s eight p.m. on a Saturday and you have just bought and downloaded a copy of Minecraft for your computer. You have resisted its blocky siren call for just long enough, you think, and you are ready to play this game until it seriously cannot physically be played any more. Your hand rests, quivering, on your mouse–you are ready to start what you will soon know to be your spiraling descent into gaming hell.

Too bad it’s just a mere two weeks before your finals. Oops!

Well, it’s too late to turn back the hands of time now. It’s not like you could simply not play the game until winter break. That is foolish logic for foolish people, and you are neither of those things. In fact, you are on your way to becoming a god.

A god of Minecraft, that is, and you can achieve it in just 5 easy steps:

All that time and it will only drop your GPA by 1 point!

1. Don’t hold down the left click button to mine. That’s just silly.

Why would you hold down a button to harvest/mine/dig? That doesn’t make sense. What does make sense is repeatedly clicking, because that is 100% logic talking. Just look at the animation that plays when you click. It is much faster and, therefore, much better. You will be the king of supplies in no time.

Why is nothing happening? You have been sitting here for at least twenty minutes, trying to punch a tree to death with your bare hands. You were quite convinced that trees could be destroyed with your fists alone; that was one of the things that drew you to the game in the first place. Tree murder. Murder of trees. With your fists. God, this is a beautiful game.

What’s that? You are supposed to hold down the left click button? But where’s all the button mashing? This is not a button mashing game? Oh.

Oh.

Well then.

Now that you have finally torn a tree apart, block by block, with your feeble little person stubs, it’s time to make some tools.

Why won’t you just die?! Oh…right.

2. All you need is an axe and a pickaxe.

A less hardy adventurer than you would surely make every permutation of a tool that exists. S/he would carry an inventory filled with so many superfluous devices, there would be no room for those eight spaces of dirt you seem to have allotted for yourself (because…dirt? Yay?). Dirt is so very useful. You can dig it up. You can put it down again. You can make towers and fall off of them. The uses of dirt are limitless. Can you say that about tools? No. No, you cannot. Tools can only do tool-like things.

Except for the axe/pickaxe combo. They can do everything. You can straight up murder a bunch of blocks, animate or otherwise. You can dig for sand with your pickaxe, then slaughter a legion of pigs with your regular one. It is the perfect combination. No other tool will ever come close to–

Oh. Oh, wow. Is that a shovel? Is that guy shoveling things right now? That’s–that’s amazing. He’s harvesting blocks so fast. Wow. You kind of wish you had a shovel, too.

And holy shit! Look at that sword. Her sword just exploded that chicken. In one shot. That’s…that’s pretty cool, too. She didn’t even have to chase it down, wildly clicking at everything. You…you kind of want that, too. In fact, you’re going to make it happen. You are going to make all of it happen.

Down with the old ways! It’s murderin’ time.

Yes! Yes! More! Sate your bloodlust! You demand sacrifice!

3. Murder. Murder everything.

A ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA! Yes. Yes. This is why your  mother had you tested as a child. This is what you have been training for all of these years. You are going to exterminate these blocks. You are going to just kill all of these chickens, forever. There will be no more chickens in your world ever again, and it will be squarely your fault. And that’s…well, that’s just kind of beautiful, when you think about it.

It doesn’t matter that you’re playing on Peaceful Mode, really. I mean, you won’t be able to put the chicken carcasses to any logical good use, even if you cook them. It’s not like you get hungry. Maybe you should just, you know…stop killing things for a while. Maybe you should do something more productive than collect meats. You know, like building something.

Besides, just look at that cute little face. That isn’t the face of something that needs murdering, right? That isn’t something that definitely–no, okay, you’re right. That sheep has got to go.

4. Build a ridiculous fortress. Build 80 of them.

Now that you have murdered every animal you’ve come across in the game, whether out of necessity or not, you have grown a little weary of all the bloodshed. While the compulsion to slaughter sheep will return shortly (it always does), for now, you can put your game time to good use. You can build a fortress to house all of your acquired animal flesh, safe from the threat of…what, other animals? You haven’t really thought this through. Anyway, it’s time to actually make something.

The great thing about Minecraft is that you can build really, really idiotic things with little consequence. You can even build a floating castle in the sky if you so desire (and who wouldn’t so desire?). The only thing stopping you is your own miniscule little imagination. Go wild! Melt 400 blocks of sand into glass and build a house. A house made entirely of glass, upon which you can put absolutely nothing. This isn’t a game, this is art.

Don’t forget, the taller you make it and the more lights you use, the easier it will be to find your way home when you inevitably get incredibly, incredibly lost! Don’t forget, the bigger and more unfeasible your home, the more impressive it will be to that one homeless guy down the street when you brag to him!

No, it definitely needs more. Maybe a glass tower, too?

5. Is that lava on your roof?

Oh god. Oh god, what have you done? The hubris reached your head and seduced you with the thought of a sweet, sweet lava moat. You were going to upgrade, oh god, you were, and now…now it’s just everywhere. There is lava just all over your roof and you don’t know why. How do you make it stop? God, how do you make it stop?

Now that the lava has begun to seep down your ladder and, consequently, your only way to the ground floor, you will, of course, heroically try to climb down it. Congratulations! You have now set yourself ablaze. There is no way to end your suffering but to jump. Jump off the roof and hope to god the rushing wind of your descent will put you out before the ground does. If you survive, you will know to never, ever play with fire again. Your mother was right when she warned you all those years ago. And you just wouldn’t listen. Just look what’s come of it now.

I mean, really? Lava? Really? Shame on you. That’s just going too far. You went too, too far. You should probably stop playing for a while. You should just…stop. Stop in general. Stop everything. You don’t deserve to play this game anymore.

Shut down your computer and go think about what you’ve done. You sicken me. Lava.

You are a terrible, terrible person and you deserve absolutely everything that has come of it.

So give yourself a pat on the back! You have not only managed to buy a highly addictive game right before your finals, but to fail at it so badly that you have no choice but to take a break from it for a while!

Remember–your grade may have been saved, but your soul belongs to Minecraft now!