Survival 101: Bear Confrontation Tactics

So You’re Going to Fight a Bear

 Have you ever been alone in the woods? Yes, of course you have. You are a strong, competent reader, capable of individual thought and crucial tent tactics. Do you catch and kill your own meals? Does the scent of charred salmon flesh bring a manly tear to your eye?

No?

Well, then. Do you own a shotgun?

Still no?

Have you ever been mauled by a bear?

Aww, he only wants a huAUUUGHH MY FACE

Wait, wait. Save your no’s, because you will be, unless you follow these 3 simple steps*:

1. Frighten the bear with noise.

If you are approached by a bear, the best method of escape is not immediate hand-to-paw combat, as many outdoor guides will try to tell you, but instead utterance of a fearsome noise. This will establish your dominance over the creature, and ensure your continued practice of presently being alive.

To do so, look to your left. Is the bear still rooting for camp-side delectables? Has its insatiable hunger yet led it to your face? No? Good.

First, you must plant your feet firmly on the ground. This will keep you steady during the subsequent steps. Next, close your eyes and insert your fingers into your ears. This will both ensure your mind does not fall into the throes of Lovecraftian insanity as the bear approaches, but also that you will not burst your own eardrums from the sheer magnitude of your warrior’s cry. Finally, you must emit the highest, loudest, most terrified screeching from your mouth orifice that has ever been made audible in the history of bear battlers.

“You ruined my nap.”

Have you done so? Good.

Has the bear left?

No?

While the high frequency sound waves of your girlish scream may have frightened the bear, the sad truth is that it is far more likely to have irritated the beast beyond levels of grudging tolerance and consequentially alerted it to your presence. If this is the case, you must next…

2. Startle the bear with a bright light.

Every good camper/hiker/hermit should carry with them a handy-dandy flashlight for occasions such as these. In the instance that you are not quite as competent as we previously thought and are devoid of handheld light, your emergency flare gun will do. Simply point your flashlight/flare gun/combination thereof at the bear, make sure not to make direct eye contact with either the bear or the piercing immolation-worthy light, and turn on/ignite/set fire to your light source. This will stun the bear, allowing you to make your hasty escape, or else proceed directly to step three.

Like this but with more screaming.

In the event that you do not abscond in proper time, you will have served only to irritate the bear further and perhaps also set it ablaze (which, contrary to popular opinion, is neither good nor bad for your situation and resides purely in the neutral category as the bear has now added +15 fire damage to its arsenal). If this is indeed the case, you must also proceed to the final step, and be sure to…

3. Engage the bear in hand-to-paw combat.

The riskiest of all steps, starting a fight with the bear must be reserved until the end and set to an inspiring score of music. A more foolhardy man may tell you to simply run away or curl up and pretend to be dead, but these are lies meant to emasculate and doom; turn your back on a bear and risk an attack. No, the best thing you can do is to take the bear head on. Stand your ground, look the bear square in the eye, and shout the first battle cry that comes to mind. Recommended war cries include “SHOOT THE PUCK“ and “IS THAT MAPLE SYRUP“ because bears are notoriously terrified of Canadians.

Once you have let loose the second of two awe-inspiring throat explosions, you must now proceed to charge at the bear. If all goes well, and it did not hear your shrill shrieking, you will have caught it by surprise and will be able to bring your foe to the ground with minimal effort. In another, far more likely situation, your flesh will quickly be host to a barrage of claws and/or pointy teeth, which will later have to be removed surgically. In the latter situation, make sure that, if possible, you are near a hospital at all times. Really, this should have been the first step, but as you are currently being mauled by a bear, it is something to consider at a later time.

“Let me taste your delicious human flesh.”

Now that the bear has grown weary of your wrenching sobs and pathetic whines, it will have moved on to better, more challenging prey. Congratulations! Make sure to crawl to the aforementioned medical facility and take comfort in knowing that the scars/your death will make a great party story for years to come; children will come from far and wide to listen to their elders recount the tale of how “Uncle Earnie fought the lion and won” (since embellishment is not only suggested but 100% necessary in every given situation).

And so, young campers/hikers/hermits, go forth into the forests unknown, freshly filled with your overwhelming knowledge of bear confrontation tactics! You can now lie content at night, with the knowledge that if a bear is to maul you in your sleep…well, there’s still really nothing you can do about it. But at least you know you tried!

“Your girlish shrieking bores me. I will now move on.”

*Do not follow any of these steps. You will die a horrific, painful death.